Breathe more deeply

Aren't they pretty. So many times I've thought about these colours and what they mean.

Aren’t they pretty? So many times I’ve thought about the significance of these colours and what they mean.

For a very long time (years now) I have been taking one shiny little green and yellow capsule before bed every night. A simple act designed to help me not-want-to-throw-stuff-at-other-stuff so much. Depression – though I am not sure I really want to call it that, because that word just doesn’t feel real to me for some reason – has bothered me from time to time ever since I was a kid, but back then it was just called ‘moodiness’.

On a good day I am a perfectly balanced and normal human being. I can laugh and dance and feel joy as keenly as the next person. I have lots of good days. But on a bad day I am disorientated, confused, lost, tearful, sad, irritable, angry.

A handful of times it’s been more or less impossible to function. I’ve stood rooted to a single spot in a busy supermarket completely paralyzed and unable to speak, because I didn’t understand what was going on in my head and felt scared to move in case I was forced to interact with another human being. That day I almost walked out into traffic. That was the worst day. Most bad days don’t get anywhere near that bad because I keep my family close and they give me all the love and support I need to stay on the pavement.

I haven’t had a bad day in ages. The pills have worked. They’ve worked well, but sometimes I have felt a bit… numb. The lower register of emotions hasn’t been as apparent, but neither have the upper ones. I haven’t cried at a wedding, or a birth, or at Eastenders, or cried at all, it seems, for an eternity. Recently my lovely Gramps died and I knew I felt very sad, but it was a bit like straining to listen to someone speaking from inside a soundproof booth. You know someone is saying something, you can see their lips moving, you just can’t quite make out the words. It’s like that dream you have sometimes when you go to run or punch someone but your limbs won’t move and when they do finally stir it’s like you’re dragging them through quicksand. Solid air.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not coming out against Antidepressants – I believe they’re useful and necessary in a lot of cases, but there is a price to be paid for pharmaceutically-imposed tranquility and I was no longer sure I wanted to pay it.

So last week, at the advice of a doctor, I started phasing out the drugs. Quite suddenly things began to feel more raw, more alive again. I shifted gears. I’ve found myself saying things and posting things on social media that, in retrospect, sound like the ramblings of a frazzled and cranky old cat lady. It’s quite possible that this post is one of those things. This is NOT ideal because I rely on my ability to communicate for my living. But, and this is a big but, I figure I’d rather live as a flawed and slightly damaged human being than as a fabulous and shiny, wipe-clean robot. I need to find a way to embrace this weird and inconvenient element of my identity and learn to work with it rather than drug it into submission. Maybe it’s all about yoga and meditation, perhaps it’s about CBT and crochet (which, by the way, I’ve always found extremely helpful), perhaps I just need to breath more deeply. I’ll let you know how it goes. xx


5 comments on “Breathe more deeply

  1. Thanks for sharing. I’ve battled the black cloud all my adult life and it’s only now I can actually recognise it and label it as depression. I never went down the drug route, purely because I avoided medical diagnosis out of fear…stupid. Best of luck with coming off the pills, I think you are doing the right thing as it feels right to do. The best thing is to surround yourself with people who nurture, care for and understand you. Onwards to a bright future! x

  2. Miranda says:

    Yes; breathe deep, do yoga, crochet until your mind is blank. I don’t do it enough. It always takes the edge off of my mental cacophony.

    I made this transition years back and it was worth it to break out of the numbness.

    Being on the drugs gave me a new perspective to view myself and my emotions, that numb baseline…. Now, I more readily identify my extreme responses. But I don’t discount them as false. Simply acknowledge them as unacceptable. Sometimes able to pull back from them or hold them in long enough to isolate myself and get them out of my system.

    Good luck and God bless you on this new journey! I’m super excited for you. 🙂 It’s going to rock.

  3. Ursula, This is wonderful, straight forwardness at it’s best! I congratulate you on your openness and willingness to broach the subject of depression. This may not only help you but, also others who suffer in needless silence and shame from the stigmatized thoughts placed on this common illness and those suffering. It also helps those without a clue to view depression through the eyes of a sufferer. It doesn’t excuse bad or rude behavior but rather gives us a deeper understanding on how a show of kindness can mean the world to one suffering. May you find your happy medium! hugs, Tammy

  4. Sarah says:

    You are one of the most amazing people I know and to write this is extremely brave but the fact that it’s so brilliantly written will help so many people to identify with your feelings. Yoga and crochet is the way to go!

  5. I just came across your lovely little blog 🙂 hope it goes well and good luck! x

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